The Worst Way To Party Like A Rock Star

William Shatner on a Horse

Let us, for just a moment, talk once again about the qualities of a rock star.

Rock stars are…

Talented? Occasionally.
Alcohol (ab)users? Often.
Eating disordered? Often.
Raging narcissists? Often.
Drug (ab)users? Often.
Promiscuous? Often.
Excellent providers of high-quality childcare services? Emphatically not.

And yet…

Nanny Rock Stars
First of all, please, for the love of God, get a handle on your comma usage. This ad reads like it was dictated by a hiccuping William Shatner while he rode a horse sidesaddle.

Secondly, starting any sentence “Think about it,” is just obnoxious. The ‘thinking about it’ will generally follow the ‘reading about it’. No need to make a special thinking request. Think about it.

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A Job To Die For

Liz Lemon Book

This is one of those rare ads where the misspellings are so egregious, the grammar so profoundly disturbed, the typos so prevalent, it feels almost like art.

Creepy Craigslist Post

Things Smart People Avoid:

  • Rabid animals
  • Trader Joe’s parking lots
  • Pyramid schemes
  • The comedy of Jeff Dunham
  • This job. And frankly, ANY job posting that contains an answer to the unasked question, “Hey, are you planning to murder the people who apply to this ad?” NO, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THE ANSWER IS. Either way: that’s a dealbreaker, ladies.

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May You Live In Interesting Times

Thanks to Avoid This Job reader Jessica, we have new sadness to add to our The Kids Are Not Alright category:

Let’s cut right to the chase here:

WHAT IN THE HELL DOES “INTERESTING COMPENSATION” MEAN?

Are you actually trying to sound like a molestation factory? Or the front for a child slavery ring? Because it doesn’t sound good. At all. Phrases like “the shooting last about three hours” are not helping.

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Father Christmas

Sad Santa Claus

Let’s see… just perusing the job listings… man, it’s rough out there, not a lot to apply for…I wonder if–

 

OH HI

NO NOT AT ALL WHY DO YOU ASK

MY DAD LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE LARRY DAVID

ALSO WHY ARE WE YELLING AND REFUSING TO USE PUNCTUATION

CAN WE MOVE ON AND SEE WHAT ELSE YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS JOB

Mall Santa Job

 

Did you once have a dramatic fight with a question mark or something? Are you no longer on speaking terms? It’s clear that you and grammar had a falling out, but why take it out on the noble question mark? Its absence here is keenly felt; thanks to the all-caps, the subject line sounds like the first half of a veiled threat, or an urgent, startled realization. And the first sentence of the ad itself just sounds like bleak, deadpan sarcasm.

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Wanted:spell Check,strunk,white.

The inappropriate capitalization and deeply claustrophobic punctuation of the subject line is a great way to start this job post, striking just the right note of ‘unprofessional, with a hint of crazy’.

 

1) When you say “not a strip club” you actually mean “more of a creepy sex club for weirdos,” right? Cool. Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

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