ZOMG YOU GUYS! It has finally happened! A job has been offered!
Now, I’m no mathmagician (that’s what professional math-doers are called right?) but I’d put the statistical probability of finding a job posting INTENDED for job seekers WHO ARE ALSO seeking for employment at about… I dunno… one in a kabillion? That sounds right. Like finding a pearl in an oyster, or a shirt from Forever 21 that doesn’t disintegrate when sunlight hits it.
This is just… sad.
“Band Looking For Girls” – great band name.
“Band Looking For Girls” – great memoir name.
“Band Looking For Girls” – heartbreaking job posting name.
The question that immediately comes to mind is: how unbelievably shitty must your band be that you have to ADVERTISE for groupies (or girlfriends?) Something is very wrong here. This ad was posted in Los Angeles, a city filled with millions of people who fit your precise, exacting specifications (that rare breed: girls who want to “have fun” and “meet new people”). Come on. It’s HOLLYWOOD. At least 20% of the girls in question undoubtedly have yet to work through the insecurity, narcissism, body image and daddy issues that brought them to that great city! In other words: they are ideal candidates. So what is the hold up, fellas? You shouldn’t be able to walk two steps from your filthy shared apartment without tripping over girls to exploit. They’re L.A.’s number one import! And export!
At first glance, it would appear we can break this ad down, as per usual, focusing on each little piece of crazy as it comes, like so:
Red Flag #1: SO specific. SO weird. SO racist. Who knew a list of requirements could raise so many uncomfortable questions? Like:
- Why would you want your bodyguard (i.e. human shield) to be articulate or sweet? Personally, I would want my bodyguard to be silent, and capable of deep cruelty. I MIGHT (might) be OK with a whimsical twinkle in his eye when I made a particularly witty comment, or an occasional pun or bon mot after he dispatched a would-be assassin… but that’s about it.
- What in God’s name do you mean by “dark” black? Should I not bother applying if I am medium-black? What about if I am a chocolatey brown? Cafe Au Lait? What about a rich mahogany?? Maybe a color wheel would help.
Great, let’s get started making fun of the rest of the ad!
Red Flag(s) #2 – ∞ : EVERYTHING ELSE.
It sure seems like the word “gentleman” is getting thrown around a lot these days. Originally used to describe landed men of impeccable breeding, background and manners, it morphed slowly into a description of any considerate, kind, male-gendered person. To which we say, huzzah!
However, in a most astounding turnabout, the word “gentleman” has someone now become (at least in America) a word primarily used in the description of airport-adjacent strip clubs. Um. Huzzah? Sure, in the 20th century you got the vote, ladies, but they got the word “gentleman” and attached it to The Landing Strip, just off Route 17. So maybe let’s call it a draw.
Hey, and speaking of gentlemen…!
There’s a lot to love about this modern age: refrigerators, antibiotics, indoor plumbing, the joys of basic cable, Quarter Pounders with Cheese… I mean, sure, we’re all undoubtedly hurtling towards some sort of massive, man-made apocalypse, careening into the black maw of human extinction… but we’ve sure made our ride nice n’ comfy!
And one of the comfiest aspects of our society? Even average joes can pay someone to do just about anything they don’t want to do themselves. We pay people to mow our lawns, watch our kids, deliver bags of pre-cooked food directly to our doorstep… There’s basically no job too personal/big/small/gross to be outsourced. Or is there…?
1) Is it possible you could have written this ad without using the phrase “pubic hair” in almost every sentence (and TWICE in the subject line?) We got it. We can’t un-get it. It is pressed into our brain, like a male sex symbol is apparently pressed into the silken locks around your genital area.