If Only

REGRET. One of mankind’s most powerful emotions.

From the tragic:

Dear Friar Laurence: Wow. I REALLY wish I had waited a little longer to take that poison and follow my lover into her “grave.” Awesome plan, buddy. That worked out great. Regretfully yours, Romeo Montague. 

P.S. I was being sarcastic about that being a great plan. It wasn’t. 

To the mundane:

Dear Amusement Park Corn Dog: Wow. I REALLY wish I had enjoyed you after riding that double-loop, standing roller coaster that travels backwards at 88 miles per hour. Well, live and learn! Regretfully yours, Me.

P.S. I have learned nothing, and will undoubtedly make the same mistake on my next visit.

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Posted in Guinea Pigs, I Know That's Not What You Meant But It Made Me Laugh Anyway | 2 Comments

Notable Quotables

Using Quotation Marks for EmphasisDear Everyone,

Who told you you could use quotation marks for emphasis?

No, seriously, this is not a rhetorical question: WHO WAS IT, and how did this nightmare begin? Who or what is responsible, so that we might blame and/or maim them? Is it your parents? Educators? The Internet? Is it the same person(s) who told you to repeatedly spell-slaughter the word “whoa” by writing “woah”? I KNEW IT.

Look: both mistakes are so excruciating, it is mystifying how anyone could make them even once, let alone fill the tubes of the Internet with this nonsense. Simply looking at the word “woah” immediately causes tear-ducts to fill with blood, unborn babies to spontaneously abort themselves and a plague of locusts to fall upon the land. Hyperbole? NOT AT ALL.

Although other sites can offer an in-depth exploration of the rampant misuse of quotation marks, we thought it best to briefly review the basics here. Quotation marks are not used for emphasis. That is not why they exist, nor is it a neat thing they do on the side. There are lots and lots and lots and LOTS of different ways to express something emphatically. Quotation marks are not one of them.

That said: here is today’s “job” to avoid!

 

Got it. You want some…thing that is LIKE a girl to live with you for an unspecified price and the exchange of menial labor? Awesome. You also have a random capitalization fetish? Got it. It seems impossible that this could get any creepier!

 

Oh.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

It got creepier.

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Posted in Danger, Ew, How Lovely To Be A Woman, Unsettling Grammar/Spelling, yr not txting so plz dont write like u r | 8 Comments

Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit

Thanks to Twitter, texting and instant messaging, there has never been a more glorious time for creative abbreviations and shorthand. Though Shakespeare once wrote, “Brevity is the soul of wit,” he could not in his wildest, Midsummeriest dreams have imagined the lengths to which future generations would go.

And Shakespeare, was, like, TOTES awesome. So one might think, yeah! Why waste energy on all those extra letters?! One MIGHT think that, until that fateful night when one MIGHT be walking down a crowded city street with one’s friend and one MIGHT loudly exclaim that one “can’t wait to get some tasty cocktails!”  Only one MIGHT not say “cocktails”. One MIGHT, before one realized the outcome, choose to abbreviate that word. One MIGHT never live it down.

Something for one to think about. Not like that, you know… HAPPENED to anyone here. No.

It is, however, a cautionary tale this job poster would have done well to consider.

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Posted in Creepy Photo Requirement, How Lovely To Be A Woman, I Know That's Not What You Meant But It Made Me Laugh Anyway, yr not txting so plz dont write like u r | 5 Comments

It’s Not Rocket Science

For all of the fears, complaints and concerns about the current state of America’s educational system, it’s important to note that this country continues to foster and encourage some of the greatest minds in the world.  Geniuses abound, people like Noam Chomsky, Bill Gates, whoever invented Take Five candy bars…

 

…oh, and this guy:

Sure. Why not? All those years of schooling may have failed you, but thank God there is a central hub of intelligent discourse on the internet. A virtual research library in cyberspace, where the world’s greatest minds congregate to share their intellect and insight. It is, of course, known as CRAIGSLIST.

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Posted in It's The End Of The World As We Know It | 2 Comments

Questionable Questions

One of the classic hallmarks of a Job To Avoid is the “Question As Subject Line” schtick. As we’ve seen in previous entries, from the odd to the off-putting, the answer is almost always a resounding “No.” Sprinkled in, you might reply with an occasional “WTF?” or “That’s PRIVATE” or, as in the case of today’s job post, “I surely hope not.”

I SURELY HOPE NOT.

The best possible outcome of sleep multi-tasking is that it creates fuel for your spouse to create an incredibly amusing blog at your expense. The worst possible outcome is… well, let’s just say it’s messy, violent and there’s absolutely nothing amusing about it. More to the point: doing anything BUT sleeping (whilst sleeping) is not the mark of a good worker; it’s the mark of someone with a profound sleep disorder. So… we’re off to a bad start here, job poster. Let’s see if it gets better!

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Posted in I Know That's Not What You Meant But It Made Me Laugh Anyway | 1 Comment