HI WHY ARE WE YELLING

Bottoms Up!

Looking for a waitressing, bartending or other food/beverage/hospitality type job in South Florida? If so, I’d like to say how sorry I am about that, for a variety of reasons, not least of which is job posts like this one. Hope you’re feeling extra hospitable!

HI, YOU ARE CREEP, ALSO I DO NOT HAVE PANTIES WITH HEALING PROPERTIES! BUT IF YOU FIND SOME LET ME KNOW BECAUSE I BET THE ARMY WOULD WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT, THEY LOVE WEIRD TECH STUFF LIKE THAT, DID YOU SEE THE ROBOTS THEY MADE TO TEST ARMOR THEY WERE REAL CREEPY JUST LIKE YOU! ALSO I AM UNSURE HOW I WOULD “WEAR” FUN BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME IT WOULD BE BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND WOULD LIKELY LEAVE MARKS ON MY BODY AND ALSO ON MY SOUL. LET’S GET STARTED!

One thing about which you were not wrong,  job poster: This is some serious cry-teria. Ho-oh! Hey-ey! HOLLA! RIMSHOT, BOOM, MIC DROP, SEACREST OUT.

But the pay ain’t (too) bad! Which puts you above 97% of ATJ posts. That said: there are many, many, MANY moist and musty recesses of the internet for you to post jobs that require Silkwood showers at the end of the day just to hose off the sticky, fragrant combination of massage oil, pine-sol and regret. Alas,  the Food/Beverage/Hospitality job category is not one of them. But best of luck to you in your noble and chivalrous quest, please just move it on over to the appropriate channels, as your average job-seeker is going to want to Avoid This Job.

Petman Did Not Avoid This Job

(Many thanks to our submitter Ayesha! .)

Notable Quotables

Using Quotation Marks for Emphasis

Using Quotation Marks for EmphasisDear Everyone,

Who told you you could use quotation marks for emphasis?

No, seriously, this is not a rhetorical question: WHO WAS IT, and how did this nightmare begin? Who or what is responsible, so that we might blame and/or maim them? Is it your parents? Educators? The Internet? Is it the same person(s) who told you to repeatedly spell-slaughter the word “whoa” by writing “woah”? I KNEW IT.

Look: both mistakes are so excruciating, it is mystifying how anyone could make them even once, let alone fill the tubes of the Internet with this nonsense. Simply looking at the word “woah” immediately causes tear-ducts to fill with blood, unborn babies to spontaneously abort themselves and a plague of locusts to fall upon the land. Hyperbole? NOT AT ALL.

Although other sites can offer an in-depth exploration of the rampant misuse of quotation marks, we thought it best to briefly review the basics here. Quotation marks are not used for emphasis. That is not why they exist, nor is it a neat thing they do on the side. There are lots and lots and lots and LOTS of different ways to express something emphatically. Quotation marks are not one of them.

That said: here is today’s “job” to avoid!

 

Got it. You want some…thing that is LIKE a girl to live with you for an unspecified price and the exchange of menial labor? Awesome. You also have a random capitalization fetish? Got it. It seems impossible that this could get any creepier!

 

Oh.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

It got creepier.

Continue reading “Notable Quotables”

OMG Dream Job!

OMG Lolcat

 

ZOMG YOU GUYS! It has finally happened! A job has been offered!

OMG Lolcat

Now, I’m no mathmagician (that’s what professional math-doers are called right?) but I’d put the statistical probability of finding a job posting INTENDED for job seekers WHO ARE ALSO seeking for employment at about… I dunno… one in a kabillion? That sounds right. Like finding a pearl in an oyster, or a shirt from Forever 21 that doesn’t disintegrate when sunlight hits it.

Continue reading “OMG Dream Job!”

A Job To Die For

Liz Lemon Book

This is one of those rare ads where the misspellings are so egregious, the grammar so profoundly disturbed, the typos so prevalent, it feels almost like art.

Creepy Craigslist Post

Things Smart People Avoid:

  • Rabid animals
  • Trader Joe’s parking lots
  • Pyramid schemes
  • The comedy of Jeff Dunham
  • This job. And frankly, ANY job posting that contains an answer to the unasked question, “Hey, are you planning to murder the people who apply to this ad?” NO, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THE ANSWER IS. Either way: that’s a dealbreaker, ladies.

Continue reading “A Job To Die For”

Father Christmas

Sad Santa Claus

Let’s see… just perusing the job listings… man, it’s rough out there, not a lot to apply for…I wonder if–

 

OH HI

NO NOT AT ALL WHY DO YOU ASK

MY DAD LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE LARRY DAVID

ALSO WHY ARE WE YELLING AND REFUSING TO USE PUNCTUATION

CAN WE MOVE ON AND SEE WHAT ELSE YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS JOB

Mall Santa Job

 

Did you once have a dramatic fight with a question mark or something? Are you no longer on speaking terms? It’s clear that you and grammar had a falling out, but why take it out on the noble question mark? Its absence here is keenly felt; thanks to the all-caps, the subject line sounds like the first half of a veiled threat, or an urgent, startled realization. And the first sentence of the ad itself just sounds like bleak, deadpan sarcasm.

Continue reading “Father Christmas”