Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture

Poloroid Picture

Poloroid PictureWith the national unemployment rate hovering around 10%, these days employers don’t need to seek out applicants; they can just sit back and wait for the job-seekers to come to them. Spend time writing up a cogent, comprehensible job post? Eh, who needs it. Just have that feral cat who lives in the dumpster walk all over a keyboard. Those things look like words, right? Sure. Somebody clean the paw marks off the keyboard, then add in a couple lines stressing that the job itself offers zero benefits and minimal pay. Push a button and throw it into the black maw of the craigslist job boards…. and voila! An avalanche of resumes, perfumed with the sweet scent of desperation and a ripe hint of unused master’s degrees rotting in the background.

Point being…? We get it, employers: you are the belle of the recession ball! You’ve made yourselves a glorious frock from the tattered dream-curtains of unemployed Americans! Your dance card is full! And yeah, you don’t NEED to try. Your job listings don’t NEED to be helpful, or succinct, or informative….AND YET… Please. Just proofread. Spell check. Pretend for one moment you care about this even 1/100th as much the job-seekers do. Is that too much to ask?

…Oh. OK.

Music Video Job

 

Just… come ON. Come on. There are only three words in the title of your job post. And yet you have managed somehow to make a TYPEWRITTEN SENTENCE illegible. It’s almost impressive. Almost.

To be fair, the bar IS set lower for craigslist ads. And far lower for what is essentially a casting call for body parts (“Wanted: Shapely Buttocks” would probably have sufficed here.) But still. A modicum of care, the teensiest indication that someone wrote this while sober… or even awake! I mean, you’re still professionals, right?

Professionals Ad

 

Exactly! We all need to be doing professional, you guys. Seriously. Now, suppose I consider myself a professional Videos Gilrs (P.S: I do): what type of videos is I doing professionalling at?

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Working For Peanuts

Mr Peanut Top Hat

Working in any capacity for the uber-rich is a tough gig, and that goes double for being a personal assistant (AKA Scapegoat/Slave/Den Mother/Shrink). Expectations are high, with little room for error.

To be a great personal assistant, you’ve got to have thick skin; emotionally bullet-proof is ideal. Do people often say you appear to be robotic, almost dead inside? Perfect! Put that whole ‘inability to feel’ thing to work FOR you for once, Ol’ Dead Eyes! Light typing, filing, organizing… and getting screamed at. For money! Because even in a recession, the truly wealthy still have cash to throw around, so at least you’ll be paid well. Er… right?

 

Oh. Wrong.

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Knight In Shining Armor

Sexy Maid

Many thanks to AvoidThisJob reader Aubriane for submitting this creepy find!

Well, hello Prince Charming! What a chivalrous hero! Helping ladies who “need rescued” is a dying art, so it’s good to know there are still some gentlemen out there, looking out for those who are “down on their luck.” Sure, like all charitable people/institutions, you have a age/weight restriction, but so what? It’s like that plaque on the Statue of Liberty says: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free… (P.S. NO FATTIES)”

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If Your Child Makes It To 18, It Will Be A Miracle

Nervous Baby

Nervous BabyTimes are tough everywhere, and many of us are cutting back on the little luxuries. Things like going to the movies, eating out, cable TV, you know, just, whatever….ensuring the health and safety of our offspring, etc, etc, etc.

Oh. Wait.

You are looking for someone to care for your infant more than full-time. Let’s review the terms.

45 hrs/week
$350/month
Average
4.2 weeks/month

That works out to $1.85/hr. That is surprising! And insane.

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Cake Boss

The Cake Is A Lie

 

Cake Boss

So here’s what I (your hypothetical ideal candidate) bring to the table:

  • 2-4 years of a culinary school education and/or a college degree
  • A “creative mind”
  • Professional baking skills
  • Professional cake decorating skills

What you (the anonymous collective “we” with no cited culinary experience or background) bring to the table:

  • A nameless location
  • Random “baking supplies”

Right. And then I, a creative, culinary-school-educated chef, go ahead and do… what’s that, you say? Oh, all of the work? Start to finish? Beginning to end?  Well.. OK! OK, that seems more than fair. I mean, what do you know about cakes or baking, right? Hahaha! Nothing!

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