Things That Don’t Exist

Unicorn

UnicornToday’s lesson is a hard one. And like all hard lessons, it shall neither be the first, nor the last time you hear it. But here we go again.

ATTENTION PEOPLE OF THE WORLD. It’s time to get real. Look, there are any number of magical, mythical things that we all wish existed, OK?

Unicorns. Fucking UNICORNS, you guys. How do they work? Unicorns speak to many demographics: they are pretty (yay!), but they also have a lethal weapon strapped to their heads (awesome.) Their powerful and majestic horn has healing powers (snicker) and they loooove virgins (double snicker.) The point is this: unicorns are marvelous. You may marvel at them! But you will not see them. Why? Because they don’t exist.

Fountain of Youth. A real one, not a series of injections that makes your face look like it’s made of flesh-colored mylar balloons and the wax that goes around Bonbel cheese. No, a real fountain of youth, so we could all run around LOOKING like we did at 18, but mercifully not thinking, speaking, or acting like it.

(And thank God, because if you’ve done it, you know that reading your own teenage writing as an adult is the emotional equivalent of waterboarding yourself. In 10 years or so, when today’s teenagers go back and can actually see & hear their younger selves via YouTube/Facebook/cell phone footage, it will be a miracle if any of them survive it. The mass seppuku that will occur may actually be mankind’s extinction event.)

ANYWAY. The POINT BEING: there is obviously nothing as hideous as the musings of a teenager,  but we will take their shiny hair and unwrinkled brows. We will happily strip the youthful sparkle from their eyeballs and force it in our own sad, ancient eye sockets. Yes please. We will, or rather we WOULD, but the fountain of youth doesn’t exist.

Other things that do not exist: magic, faeries, Bigfoot, flattering snapshots taken from a low angle, the Tooth Fairy, privacy on the internet, leprechauns… you get the idea. Right? Right. Some things cannot, WILL not, exist. No matter how much we want them to. Which brings us to this:

 

Rockstar PlumberNot a thing.

Not possible.

DOES NOT EXIST.

No matter how many times we revisit this topic, like a phoenix rising from the ashes (ALSO NOT A REAL THING), it refuses to die, instead being born again and again, sheathing its bold lies in the fine silken robes and matted furs of a rock star.

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The Worst Way To Party Like A Rock Star

William Shatner on a Horse

Let us, for just a moment, talk once again about the qualities of a rock star.

Rock stars are…

Talented? Occasionally.
Alcohol (ab)users? Often.
Eating disordered? Often.
Raging narcissists? Often.
Drug (ab)users? Often.
Promiscuous? Often.
Excellent providers of high-quality childcare services? Emphatically not.

And yet…

Nanny Rock Stars
First of all, please, for the love of God, get a handle on your comma usage. This ad reads like it was dictated by a hiccuping William Shatner while he rode a horse sidesaddle.

Secondly, starting any sentence “Think about it,” is just obnoxious. The ‘thinking about it’ will generally follow the ‘reading about it’. No need to make a special thinking request. Think about it.

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You Are Not A Rock Star

You Are Not A Rockstar

You Are Not A RockstarOnce again, we here at AvoidThisJob find ourselves needing to remind employers and the general public that they are not rock stars.

International readers: does this happen in other countries/languages? Whatever the reason, despite our best efforts, the rock star trend continues unabated.

 

 

 

 

Right. So, we have a fundamental problem with your use of that phrase, but perhaps you could give us more information about what you’re looking for?

 

Sigh. OK. So… you’ve managed to shoehorn in a “topical” joke using the ancient “you might be a redneck” setup/punchline. Are congratulations in order? No. No, they are not. Word to the wise: cramming in stale pop culture references is not the job of recruiters and companies looking to hire staff; it’s the job of the writers of the Scary Movie/Date Movie/Epic Movie franchise. Let them do their (horrible, shameful) job.

“But wait!” you cry, “why not try to lighten the mood a little??”

Well, first of all, stop crying. Second of all: because comedy in a job listing is difficult to pull off… We get that you’re trying to look like a super-cool company, filled with super-cool dudes doing super-cool jobs, but 99% of the time, you’ll end up looking like an over-botoxed stage mother trying desperately to be the “cool parent” by talking to her kids’ friends about blow jobs and twitter. Don’t be that parent. You are in a position of authority. Use it.

Now what else can you tell us about your ideal candidate?

 

Alternate theory: you might be a dick. (also: you might want to get a rockstar copy editor to proof your job posts, because you seem to have dropped at least two words out of that sentence.)

 

Actually, again: dick. One with narcissistic personality disorder and an unnerving inability to form actual human connections.

 

OK, now the job requirements are actually getting a little terrifying. It would appear you are looking for a borderline sociopath. OK… One who is possessed, and lords their superiority over the highly verbal fonts and colors constantly “beg[ging]” to be a part of their “vision.” Um….NOT OK! NOT OK AT ALL.

Please do everyone a favor and let us know where your offices are located, so the rest of the populace can give your Serial Killer Factory a wide berth on our commute. Thanks. But hey, at least you’re an equal opportunity employer!

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Gypsies and Thieves (No Tramps)

Gypsies, Tramps and theives

Gypsies, Tramps and theivesHere at AvoidThisJob, we’ve previously discussed the frequent, embarrassing and unwarranted use of words like rockstar, guru and ninja in job listings.

But thanks to an anonymous reader submission, it looks like we have some new delights to add to the “Do You Even Know What Words Mean?!” pile. Let’s jump right in!

 

 

Dear Job Post & Posters,

What. The. Hell? We were only two words in to this job listing when everything started to go haywire. You went from zero to INSANE in less than two sentences, which is admittedly impressive, though probably not in the way you were hoping. It’s also possible someone in your HR department is some sort of Cher fanatic, but you might want to tell them to leave that for their blog/shrine/private time.

The whole first paragraph of this ad is positively overflowing with crazy (from the strange and unnecessary epistolary style, to the word choice throughout) but that last sentence is a work of true madness. It reads like the padded-room musings of the mentally disturbed, or else the ramblings of a highly verbal 4-year old when asked what he wants to be when he grows up. Captain! Chief! Builder!

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Data Entry Ninja

Data Entry Ninja

Oh, hooray.

More ninjas.

Data Entry Ninja

 

  • First off, the description of this position looks like a bizarre Word Jumble gone wrong. Did the CEO of your company get drunk while playing Boggle and decide The Universe was telling him to invent a job?  Because you have indicated you are looking for someone who regards themselves as a “Data Entry Excel Ninja.” That is not something that exists, and thusly not something that any sane person “regards him/herself as.”
  • You want someone with “fingers that type as if on fire.” So someone that types… really poorly? Leaving soot marks and bits of blackened skin on each key? While their owner screams wildly, “for the love of God, somebody help me! My F$%*ING FINGERS ARE ON FIRE!!!!?” Cool.
  • You indicated that the ideal applicant should have no fear of asking dumb questions. Alright. How about smart ones? Like, say: what in the hell does “ability to work with people who might not be able to return the favor some day” mean? What favor? What people? Every possible interpretation of that sentence is deeply troubling. The more you think on it, the more perplexing it becomes, like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube. Designed by M.C. Escher. While high from sniffing a heady mix of glue, shoe polish and expired “Exclamation!” perfume from 1990.