HI WHY ARE WE YELLING

Bottoms Up!

Looking for a waitressing, bartending or other food/beverage/hospitality type job in South Florida? If so, I’d like to say how sorry I am about that, for a variety of reasons, not least of which is job posts like this one. Hope you’re feeling extra hospitable!

HI, YOU ARE CREEP, ALSO I DO NOT HAVE PANTIES WITH HEALING PROPERTIES! BUT IF YOU FIND SOME LET ME KNOW BECAUSE I BET THE ARMY WOULD WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT, THEY LOVE WEIRD TECH STUFF LIKE THAT, DID YOU SEE THE ROBOTS THEY MADE TO TEST ARMOR THEY WERE REAL CREEPY JUST LIKE YOU! ALSO I AM UNSURE HOW I WOULD “WEAR” FUN BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME IT WOULD BE BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND WOULD LIKELY LEAVE MARKS ON MY BODY AND ALSO ON MY SOUL. LET’S GET STARTED!

One thing about which you were not wrong,  job poster: This is some serious cry-teria. Ho-oh! Hey-ey! HOLLA! RIMSHOT, BOOM, MIC DROP, SEACREST OUT.

But the pay ain’t (too) bad! Which puts you above 97% of ATJ posts. That said: there are many, many, MANY moist and musty recesses of the internet for you to post jobs that require Silkwood showers at the end of the day just to hose off the sticky, fragrant combination of massage oil, pine-sol and regret. Alas,  the Food/Beverage/Hospitality job category is not one of them. But best of luck to you in your noble and chivalrous quest, please just move it on over to the appropriate channels, as your average job-seeker is going to want to Avoid This Job.

Petman Did Not Avoid This Job

(Many thanks to our submitter Ayesha! .)

Getting Paid For It

Exclamation Mark

Exclamation MarkAh, the exclamation point! Admittedly not the most versatile of all punctuation, but the exuberant little fellow has its time and place, and is certainly beloved by AvoidThisJob.

Let’s have a brief refresher, shall we?

Things Exclamation Points Suggest

  • Innocent enthusiasm!
  • Surprise!!!
  • Amazing deals!
  • YELLING!!!!
  • Danger!!

Things Exclamation Points Do NOT Suggest

  • Professionalism!
  • Maturity!
  • GRAVITAS!!!!!!
  • Sobriety!
  • Discretion!!

And so it probably seems self-evident that job listings (and, by extension, resumés and cover letters) are NOT a great place for the exclamation point to make its presence truly felt. And yet…

 

Unprofessional MassageUm….yeah. OK. Soo….

….. a better question would be: who DOESN’T?!! This offer (so generous. SO generous!) combines every 18-24 year old girl’s favorite things: multiple exclamation points, bad grammar, money, and (obviously) the moist touch of a craigslist stranger.

Tell me more!!

Continue reading “Getting Paid For It”

Father Christmas

Sad Santa Claus

Let’s see… just perusing the job listings… man, it’s rough out there, not a lot to apply for…I wonder if–

 

OH HI

NO NOT AT ALL WHY DO YOU ASK

MY DAD LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE LARRY DAVID

ALSO WHY ARE WE YELLING AND REFUSING TO USE PUNCTUATION

CAN WE MOVE ON AND SEE WHAT ELSE YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS JOB

Mall Santa Job

 

Did you once have a dramatic fight with a question mark or something? Are you no longer on speaking terms? It’s clear that you and grammar had a falling out, but why take it out on the noble question mark? Its absence here is keenly felt; thanks to the all-caps, the subject line sounds like the first half of a veiled threat, or an urgent, startled realization. And the first sentence of the ad itself just sounds like bleak, deadpan sarcasm.

Continue reading “Father Christmas”

When Every Room Is The Ladies Room

Niagra Falls

Niagra FallsSo you’ve settled in, you’ve got your cup of coffee, and you’re once again browsing through the job listings… man, it’s all the same, right? Like, job after job, they all just blend in to one another…it’s like, you can barely keep your eyes open, it’s so dull—

OH MY GOD YOU STARTLED ME, JOB POST SUBJECT LINE!! With your bizarre message, obviously, but also with your ALL CAPS and your terrifyingly urgent punctuation!!!?!!!

Now, to answer your question… No. I am not. Thank goodness. It sounds both unsanitary and dehydrating.

Obviously the choice of “constantly” instead of “frequently” is problematic, but even better is the phrasing:

Continue reading “When Every Room Is The Ladies Room”

Working For Peanuts

Mr Peanut Top Hat

Working in any capacity for the uber-rich is a tough gig, and that goes double for being a personal assistant (AKA Scapegoat/Slave/Den Mother/Shrink). Expectations are high, with little room for error.

To be a great personal assistant, you’ve got to have thick skin; emotionally bullet-proof is ideal. Do people often say you appear to be robotic, almost dead inside? Perfect! Put that whole ‘inability to feel’ thing to work FOR you for once, Ol’ Dead Eyes! Light typing, filing, organizing… and getting screamed at. For money! Because even in a recession, the truly wealthy still have cash to throw around, so at least you’ll be paid well. Er… right?

 

Oh. Wrong.

Continue reading “Working For Peanuts”