If Only

Corn Dogs The New Taste Sensation

REGRET. One of mankind’s most powerful emotions.

From the tragic:

Dear Friar Laurence: Wow. I REALLY wish I had waited a little longer to take that poison and follow my lover into her “grave.” Awesome plan, buddy. That worked out great. Regretfully yours, Romeo Montague. 

P.S. I was being sarcastic about that being a great plan. It wasn’t. 

To the mundane:

Dear Amusement Park Corn Dog: Wow. I REALLY wish I had enjoyed you after riding that double-loop, standing roller coaster that travels backwards at 88 miles per hour. Well, live and learn! Regretfully yours, Me.

P.S. I have learned nothing, and will undoubtedly make the same mistake on my next visit.

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Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit

Brevity Is The Soul of Wit

Thanks to Twitter, texting and instant messaging, there has never been a more glorious time for creative abbreviations and shorthand. Though Shakespeare once wrote, “Brevity is the soul of wit,” he could not in his wildest, Midsummeriest dreams have imagined the lengths to which future generations would go.

And Shakespeare, was, like, TOTES awesome. So one might think, yeah! Why waste energy on all those extra letters?! One MIGHT think that, until that fateful night when one MIGHT be walking down a crowded city street with one’s friend and one MIGHT loudly exclaim that one “can’t wait to get some tasty cocktails!”  Only one MIGHT not say “cocktails”. One MIGHT, before one realized the outcome, choose to abbreviate that word. One MIGHT never live it down.

Something for one to think about. Not like that, you know… HAPPENED to anyone here. No.

It is, however, a cautionary tale this job poster would have done well to consider.

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Questionable Questions

One of the classic hallmarks of a Job To Avoid is the “Question As Subject Line” schtick. As we’ve seen in previous entries, from the odd to the off-putting, the answer is almost always a resounding “No.” Sprinkled in, you might reply with an occasional “WTF?” or “That’s PRIVATE” or, as in the case of today’s job post, “I surely hope not.”

I SURELY HOPE NOT.

The best possible outcome of sleep multi-tasking is that it creates fuel for your spouse to create an incredibly amusing blog at your expense. The worst possible outcome is… well, let’s just say it’s messy, violent and there’s absolutely nothing amusing about it. More to the point: doing anything BUT sleeping (whilst sleeping) is not the mark of a good worker; it’s the mark of someone with a profound sleep disorder. So… we’re off to a bad start here, job poster. Let’s see if it gets better!

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Lost In Translation

Juggling Mom

Thanks to our anonymous submitter for this highly avoidable job!

So… call them stay-at-home moms, or housewives, or homemakers, or even mommy-bloggers… but we’d suggest you don’t call them this:

You know, all those ‘sitting-at-home mothers’, with their bonbons and their daytime TV and their valium and their CONSTANT SITTING. Come ON, mothers. Try standing! Or leaning! What about a brisk walk, or a jaunty somersault once in a while? Would it kill you to try out a gentle jog, or even a casual stroll? Seriously.

Juggling Mom

We’ll go ahead and infer what you were inadequately attempting to imply (that you are hiring sitting-at-home-mothers to work for YOU, not hiring people to work for THEM, as your headline would make it sound.)

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Big Love

3 wedding rings

3 wedding ringsThanks to Kate M. for today’s submission. She says, “my husband sent me this link – he’s considering applying for the job.  I let him know that, as his wife, I’m a little uncomfortable with the possibility…” As well you should be, Kate. As well you should be.

(We’ve highlighted the critical information for your reading pleasure. The rest is dull as dirt, so feel free to skim.)

Right. So… that’s illegal.

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