If Only

Corn Dogs The New Taste Sensation

REGRET. One of mankind’s most powerful emotions.

From the tragic:

Dear Friar Laurence: Wow. I REALLY wish I had waited a little longer to take that poison and follow my lover into her “grave.” Awesome plan, buddy. That worked out great. Regretfully yours, Romeo Montague. 

P.S. I was being sarcastic about that being a great plan. It wasn’t. 

To the mundane:

Dear Amusement Park Corn Dog: Wow. I REALLY wish I had enjoyed you after riding that double-loop, standing roller coaster that travels backwards at 88 miles per hour. Well, live and learn! Regretfully yours, Me.

P.S. I have learned nothing, and will undoubtedly make the same mistake on my next visit.

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When Every Room Is The Ladies Room

Niagra Falls

Niagra FallsSo you’ve settled in, you’ve got your cup of coffee, and you’re once again browsing through the job listings… man, it’s all the same, right? Like, job after job, they all just blend in to one another…it’s like, you can barely keep your eyes open, it’s so dull—

OH MY GOD YOU STARTLED ME, JOB POST SUBJECT LINE!! With your bizarre message, obviously, but also with your ALL CAPS and your terrifyingly urgent punctuation!!!?!!!

Now, to answer your question… No. I am not. Thank goodness. It sounds both unsanitary and dehydrating.

Obviously the choice of “constantly” instead of “frequently” is problematic, but even better is the phrasing:

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