Spider Sense

Spider Sense

Spider SenseSpiderman is a pretty lucky guy. Granted, maybe not so much the day he was bitten by a radioactive spider in a freak accident at a science exhibition. That probably kind of sucked (your lab has enough money for a particle accelerator but not for a exterminator? Come on. That’s just slovenly.) But to be fair that was really Peter Parker’s crappy day, not Spiderman’s. And actually, it worked out pretty well for him in the end.

Wall-crawling, super-strength… all pretty cool. But the spider sense is really the prize. He can “sense danger” and has almost precognitive abilities! So vague. So awesome. So irritating if you are trying to plan him a surprise party. So what does this have to do with avoiding jobs?

Well, one quick read of this job posting should get ANYONE’S spider sense tingling like crazy. And not a fun tingle, rather a “this ad smells distinctly of Axe body spray and roofies” kind of alarm.

Hey ladies, you know how dressing slutty, then squeezing into a car with five drunk dudes you’ve never met is a recipe for safe, wholesome good times? Oh, right, no. No it is not. Hey, but at least you are putting your headshot to good use! Welcome to Hollywood: Where Dreams Come To Die/Get Date Raped.

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Knight In Shining Armor

Sexy Maid

Many thanks to AvoidThisJob reader Aubriane for submitting this creepy find!

Well, hello Prince Charming! What a chivalrous hero! Helping ladies who “need rescued” is a dying art, so it’s good to know there are still some gentlemen out there, looking out for those who are “down on their luck.” Sure, like all charitable people/institutions, you have a age/weight restriction, but so what? It’s like that plaque on the Statue of Liberty says: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free… (P.S. NO FATTIES)”

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Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Hey, male models! Ever get the sense that there’s something more out there? I mean, sure, you’ve got it pretty good. You won the genetic lottery, and you’re living the dream: able to use your God-given, gym-perfected rippling abs, chiseled jaw and muscular calves for the power of good (also known as the selling of cologne, or, “The Fragrancing of America.”) 

All you guys have to do is stay away from carbs and books and you’re guaranteed a sweet, worry-free existence surrounded by wafer-thin waifs, and piles of coke and money. But as great as that sounds… do you ever wish you could find a different job? One with zero perks and significantly uglier co-workers? One that pays next-to-nothing and forces you to borderline prostitute yourself? Sure you do! And so, this ad’s for you. 

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Doggie Day Care

This is quite possibly the greatest job listing this blog has ever seen. Best enjoyed when read aloud, with a somber and dramatic flair; think James Earl Jones meets your high school drama teacher.

(click to enlarge image)

Creepy Dog Walker Job
Right? Imagine, for example, James Lipton of ‘Inside The Actors Studio’ delivering lines like “Walk the most cutest male Pomeranian…!” It is the stuff dreams are made of.

Highlights:

  • The link to not only his Facebook page, but also a barren IMDB page with a single producer’s credit. Job poster: Was this part of a mission to make you seem more like a professional, and less like a creepy weirdo? Because I hate to break it to you, sir, but… MISSION FAILED.
  • The insistence that it is the dog who is demanding a “very cute and sexy girl.” Again, is this an attempt to seem less gross? Do you think that anthropomorphizing your Pomeranian into some sort of flirtatious Lothario makes you seem less scary? Because it does not. At all.