Getting Paid For It

Exclamation Mark

Exclamation MarkAh, the exclamation point! Admittedly not the most versatile of all punctuation, but the exuberant little fellow has its time and place, and is certainly beloved by AvoidThisJob.

Let’s have a brief refresher, shall we?

Things Exclamation Points Suggest

  • Innocent enthusiasm!
  • Surprise!!!
  • Amazing deals!
  • YELLING!!!!
  • Danger!!

Things Exclamation Points Do NOT Suggest

  • Professionalism!
  • Maturity!
  • GRAVITAS!!!!!!
  • Sobriety!
  • Discretion!!

And so it probably seems self-evident that job listings (and, by extension, resumés and cover letters) are NOT a great place for the exclamation point to make its presence truly felt. And yet…

 

Unprofessional MassageUm….yeah. OK. Soo….

….. a better question would be: who DOESN’T?!! This offer (so generous. SO generous!) combines every 18-24 year old girl’s favorite things: multiple exclamation points, bad grammar, money, and (obviously) the moist touch of a craigslist stranger.

Tell me more!!

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Notable Quotables

Using Quotation Marks for Emphasis

Using Quotation Marks for EmphasisDear Everyone,

Who told you you could use quotation marks for emphasis?

No, seriously, this is not a rhetorical question: WHO WAS IT, and how did this nightmare begin? Who or what is responsible, so that we might blame and/or maim them? Is it your parents? Educators? The Internet? Is it the same person(s) who told you to repeatedly spell-slaughter the word “whoa” by writing “woah”? I KNEW IT.

Look: both mistakes are so excruciating, it is mystifying how anyone could make them even once, let alone fill the tubes of the Internet with this nonsense. Simply looking at the word “woah” immediately causes tear-ducts to fill with blood, unborn babies to spontaneously abort themselves and a plague of locusts to fall upon the land. Hyperbole? NOT AT ALL.

Although other sites can offer an in-depth exploration of the rampant misuse of quotation marks, we thought it best to briefly review the basics here. Quotation marks are not used for emphasis. That is not why they exist, nor is it a neat thing they do on the side. There are lots and lots and lots and LOTS of different ways to express something emphatically. Quotation marks are not one of them.

That said: here is today’s “job” to avoid!

 

Got it. You want some…thing that is LIKE a girl to live with you for an unspecified price and the exchange of menial labor? Awesome. You also have a random capitalization fetish? Got it. It seems impossible that this could get any creepier!

 

Oh.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

It got creepier.

Continue reading “Notable Quotables”

I Will Always Love You-ou-ou-ou-ooooo! Oou.

The Bodyguard

At first glance, it would appear we can break this ad down, as per usual, focusing on each little piece of crazy as it comes, like so:

Red Flag #1: SO specific. SO weird. SO racist. Who knew a list of requirements could raise so many uncomfortable questions? Like:

  • Why would you want your bodyguard (i.e. human shield) to be articulate or sweet? Personally, I would want my bodyguard to be silent, and capable of deep cruelty. I MIGHT (might) be OK with a whimsical twinkle in his eye when I made a particularly witty comment, or an occasional pun or bon mot after he dispatched a would-be assassin… but that’s about it.
  • What in God’s name do you mean by “dark” black? Should I not bother applying if I am medium-black? What about if I am a chocolatey brown? Cafe Au Lait? What about a rich mahogany?? Maybe a color wheel would help.

Great, let’s get started making fun of the rest of the ad!

 

Oh.

Red Flag(s) #2 – ∞ : EVERYTHING ELSE.

 

 

Continue reading “I Will Always Love You-ou-ou-ou-ooooo! Oou.”

You, Sir, Are No Gentleman

Buffy Gentlemen

It sure seems like the word “gentleman” is getting thrown around a lot these days. Originally used to describe landed men of impeccable breeding, background and manners, it morphed slowly into a description of any considerate, kind, male-gendered person. To which we say, huzzah!

However, in a most astounding turnabout, the word “gentleman” has someone now become (at least in America) a word primarily used in the description of airport-adjacent strip clubs. Um. Huzzah? Sure, in the 20th century you got the vote, ladies, but they got the word “gentleman” and attached it to The Landing Strip, just off Route 17. So maybe let’s call it a draw.

Hey, and speaking of gentlemen…!

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A Job To Die For

Liz Lemon Book

This is one of those rare ads where the misspellings are so egregious, the grammar so profoundly disturbed, the typos so prevalent, it feels almost like art.

Creepy Craigslist Post

Things Smart People Avoid:

  • Rabid animals
  • Trader Joe’s parking lots
  • Pyramid schemes
  • The comedy of Jeff Dunham
  • This job. And frankly, ANY job posting that contains an answer to the unasked question, “Hey, are you planning to murder the people who apply to this ad?” NO, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THE ANSWER IS. Either way: that’s a dealbreaker, ladies.

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