Getting Paid For It

Exclamation MarkAh, the exclamation point! Admittedly not the most versatile of all punctuation, but the exuberant little fellow has its time and place, and is certainly beloved by AvoidThisJob.

Let’s have a brief refresher, shall we?

Things Exclamation Points Suggest

  • Innocent enthusiasm!
  • Surprise!!!
  • Amazing deals!
  • YELLING!!!!
  • Danger!!

Things Exclamation Points Do NOT Suggest

  • Professionalism!
  • Maturity!
  • GRAVITAS!!!!!!
  • Sobriety!
  • Discretion!!

And so it probably seems self-evident that job listings (and, by extension, resumés and cover letters) are NOT a great place for the exclamation point to make its presence truly felt. And yet…

 

Unprofessional MassageUm….yeah. OK. Soo….

….. a better question would be: who DOESN’T?!! This offer (so generous. SO generous!) combines every 18-24 year old girl’s favorite things: multiple exclamation points, bad grammar, money, and (obviously) the moist touch of a craigslist stranger.

Tell me more!!

Inappropriate Massage

 

Ooh, me, me! I want to gets paid for it!!! That in no way sounds degrading or inappropriate!!! May I ask: what prompted this outpouring of exclamation points and generosity???

Inappropriate Massage

 

ZOMG WHAT COULD BE BETTER?!?

Now that I know that you aren’t a professional I feel TOTALLY safe in your undoubtedly doughy, unskilled, amateur hands. I assume this transaction will take place in your trailer/abandoned warehouse by the train tracks/hourly hotel room? Perfect! This whole offer honestly just keeps sounding better and better… am I missing something? Did I read correctly?

Inappropriate Massage

 

Well, sir, I am SOLD. This sounds like an amazing moneymaking opportunity for me! It’s actually kinda cool, all I have to do to get paid is be young, female, and horizontal???  Wow, you know, it’s kinda SURPRISING nobody has thought of this as a job before! It’s such a good idea, you’d think it would be, like, the oldest profession in the world or something! But I guess not!!

Anything else I should know? This seems totally on the up-and-up, you have a GREAT business plan in place, and you’re obviously not at all strange or dangerous, but I wondered if you had anything to add?

Unprofessional Massage

 

Of course! I TOTALLY have pics of myself and would love nothing more than to send them to you. I will also enclose my social security number, so you can fill out all the necessary paperwork, of course. Only a crazy person would avoid this job!

Additional highlights:

  • The super-specific 18-24 age-requirement. “I’d better make sure they’re legal! But just barely, and thus hopefully not old enough to have developed wrinkles, cellulite, or a robust sense of self-preservation and dignity!”
  • While all of the exclamation points are, of course, a delight, the ones following the second sentence are especially bizarre. As if the exclamation point is so powerful a punctuation mark, it can transform any statement from horrifying to charming through sheer force of will, like a written rictus grin.

Thank you to our submitter, John Zeiss, who used both the words “skeevy” and “nauseating” to describe this job post. YOU WERE NOT WRONG, JOHN!!!!!!!

(Click here for the full job description in all its glory, and take care to note the “compensation”…)

Related posts:

Comments

comments

Powered by Facebook Comments

This entry was posted in Creepy Photo Requirement, Danger, Ew, How Lovely To Be A Woman, PLEASE STOP YELLING. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Getting Paid For It

  1. Gino says:

    All I want for Christmas are more posts like this from Avoid This Job!

  2. Eyeteeth says:

    And that’s all I want for Chanukkah!

  3. Evan says:

    Brilliant.

  4. Watercolors says:

    :D jajjaaja
    How nice to see more posts, I read your blog at work and it makes my day.
    Hugs

  5. Cass says:

    Why of course, you always need to send a photo when you book a massage appointment. Happy holidays, thanks for returning!

  6. Mock all you want, but it’s a Well Known Fact (TM) that only moderate-to-seriously hot chicks between their late teens and early twenties have the precise combination of firm muscle tone and oil-absorbent skin that enables a guy to bone up [sic] on his massage skills. Once you hit 25 that all goes out the window, and you are as much use to the aspiring masseuse as a bucket of Playdo.
    (Compensation is ‘negotiable’ – my negotiating tool of choice would be pepper spray, at a bare minimum…)

  7. Felicity says:

    SOOOOO glad you have started posting again!!!! Your blog is my favorite of everything out there.

  8. DJ says:

    This by far is my favorite blog post, but I’ve noticed you primarily use Craigslist as your primary source for all things, shall I say….enthusiastic. There’s a whole lot of other internet that display such jovial job postings. At the same time, I realize Craigslist is the easy target. Keep up the good work.

  9. Do you always feel like someone is on drugs when they type with such enthusiasm? It is a little awkward that said person posting only wants female withing a college age range. That doesn’t raise red flags or anything. Don’t you wish Craigslist sometimes had a “desperate and creepy” job category?

Leave a Reply