Things That Don’t Exist

UnicornToday’s lesson is a hard one. And like all hard lessons, it shall neither be the first, nor the last time you hear it. But here we go again.

ATTENTION PEOPLE OF THE WORLD. It’s time to get real. Look, there are any number of magical, mythical things that we all wish existed, OK?

Unicorns. Fucking UNICORNS, you guys. How do they work? Unicorns speak to many demographics: they are pretty (yay!), but they also have a lethal weapon strapped to their heads (awesome.) Their powerful and majestic horn has healing powers (snicker) and they loooove virgins (double snicker.) The point is this: unicorns are marvelous. You may marvel at them! But you will not see them. Why? Because they don’t exist.

Fountain of Youth. A real one, not a series of injections that makes your face look like it’s made of flesh-colored mylar balloons and the wax that goes around Bonbel cheese. No, a real fountain of youth, so we could all run around LOOKING like we did at 18, but mercifully not thinking, speaking, or acting like it.

(And thank God, because if you’ve done it, you know that reading your own teenage writing as an adult is the emotional equivalent of waterboarding yourself. In 10 years or so, when today’s teenagers go back and can actually see & hear their younger selves via YouTube/Facebook/cell phone footage, it will be a miracle if any of them survive it. The mass seppuku that will occur may actually be mankind’s extinction event.)

ANYWAY. The POINT BEING: there is obviously nothing as hideous as the musings of a teenager,  but we will take their shiny hair and unwrinkled brows. We will happily strip the youthful sparkle from their eyeballs and force it in our own sad, ancient eye sockets. Yes please. We will, or rather we WOULD, but the fountain of youth doesn’t exist.

Other things that do not exist: magic, faeries, Bigfoot, flattering snapshots taken from a low angle, the Tooth Fairy, privacy on the internet, leprechauns… you get the idea. Right? Right. Some things cannot, WILL not, exist. No matter how much we want them to. Which brings us to this:


Rockstar PlumberNot a thing.

Not possible.


No matter how many times we revisit this topic, like a phoenix rising from the ashes (ALSO NOT A REAL THING), it refuses to die, instead being born again and again, sheathing its bold lies in the fine silken robes and matted furs of a rock star.


Rockstar PlumberLook: even if someone writes the best rock opera ever (and the bar is set pretty low there), and the theme of said rock opera is plumbing, and the main character is a plumber, and he sings the best song ever written, and it’s ABOUT plumbing, and it’s called “Snake The Drain”, and it’s a double-entendre, SURE, but it also MOVES you like nothing you’ve ever heard before, like a small winged creature has taken flight somewhere inside the hollow winter branches of your chest cavity, and for once in your sad, sorry life you somehow feel like there might be a POINT, a point to everything, and it’s all thanks to this rock opera about plumbing…. even then, there is no such thing as a plumbing rock star. Just a rock star singing about plumbing.

I am sorry.


  • “Have people called you great Plumber?” — is that like the Great Pumpkin? ***Spoiler Alert*** ALSO NOT REAL.
  • Nobody has any idea what “Rockstar powers” are. Such powers, if they existed, would undoubtedly have something to do with sex. Or entitlement. Maybe both! Probably both. But nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the day-to-day activities of a plumber. Oh! Except creating messes that a plumber might need to deal with. ROCKSTAR POWERS! –  Being consistently responsible for plumbing emergencies. A preternatural ability to foul otherwise lovely spaces almost instantly? Money baths, champagne hot tubs, drugs & other sundries being flushed down the toilet in rage or drunkeness or panic… someone’s got to clean that up. But it’s not going to be a rock star.

So, to sum up… please, please, please for the love of God (also not real)…. THERE ARE NO ROCK STARS OTHER THAN ROCK STARS.

Plumbers, rock stars, and everyone else should avoid this job.

(except maybe these guys)

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4 Responses to Things That Don’t Exist

  1. Sal says:

    Avoid This Job, please make that rock opera happen. If not, I will likely write it myself as fan fiction for this blog.

  2. LAX Car Service says:

    Also, maybe if you’re that rap ground that’s going to party like a “rock star.” I just don’t know how you could have “fun” with plumbing, either. Nothing about having to deal with fecal matter, hair clogs or leaking, moldy pipes sounds like a job for a “star.” **Instert Jazz hands**

  3. excuse meme? says:

    unless your name is mario

  4. Q. Q. Kachoo says:

    Here I thought this was going to be referenced at some point:

    Oh well.

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