You Flatter Yourself, Sir

Another current fad in horrible job listings? The “reverse-psychology” angle. “Hey, let’s make this job sound as awful as possible… talk about low pay and hard work and super long hours and suggest that basically nobody could do this job, or would want to… it’ll weed out the weak ones!” Which it will, of course. It’ll also weed out anyone with talent, dignity and an understanding of their worth as an employee and as a human being. And yet…

Where to even begin…

1) The Shackleton quote? Apocryphal. That hoary old chestnut remains (for now) an entirely unsubstantiated urban legend. It’s a favorite of politicians and motivational speakers, who are, in turn, favorites of absolutely no one. So you’ve joined a delightful club of windbaggery and blowharditude. Congrats. This job listing is off to a phenomenal start.

2) “If not, close this ad and keep looking for a safe ‘job'”

  • Wow. Are you sure about that? I’d suggest you reevaluate. You led with: “small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger.” Only homeless people and/or the mentally ill would actually answer that ad.
  • The self-aggrandizing quotes around “job” just earned you and your company double douche points.
  • Is this “job” not safe? I am seriously asking, because you’ve brought up danger several times, and now you are mocking those looking for anything ‘safe’. Is this listing just lumbering awkwardly from the literal to the metaphorical, or is there actually a chance your “sales professionals” will die of frostbite, or be eaten by polar bears? Please advise.

3) What exactly is a “sales ninja?” A black-clad assassin who can move silently and strike with deadly force, and is trained in the ancient Japanese martial art known as “cold calling?”

4) Your Sales Professionals (weird capitalization) earn between $50k and $250k a year?

  • Really? Come on.
  • If so… why in God’s name did you lead with a quote indicating you were only looking for people who would answer a “small wages/certain death” ad? Yeah. Everyone is confused now. Even the borderline psychotic homeless ninja who was so inspired by your original post. He was ready to abandon his cardboard home and cast out in search of dangerous and harrowing IT adventures for little to no money!

“Please send your resume… if you deserve to be contacted.” Oh my, I wonder if I am deserving! Ugh. Attention ninjas (and everyone else)… avoid this job.

Sales Ninja

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6 Responses to You Flatter Yourself, Sir

  1. Gino says:

    Sell your rights to this blog to Hollywood. I’m thinking something like Alien Vs. Predator, but with Sales Ninjas and Rockstar Planet Funk Store Managers.
    Sharp, sharp wit you’re spitting. More posts, dammit.

  2. Emily Altman says:

    “Everyone is confused now.”

  3. NoAdditives says:

    Sales ninja = Dwight Shrute

  4. AvoidThisJob says:

    He does, in fact, come the closest.

  5. Samantha L says:

    From a serious point of view (if anyone was actually considering this job)
    How can they state in one sentence ‘We’re not going to tie you to your past resume’ and then two sentences later ‘Send your resume…’
    If my resume doesn’t matter, why are you asking for it?
    Unless this is a physical ‘tying’ of the resume to the person. If that is the case, my previous employers have never tied my resume to me either. Are there jobs where that happens?

  6. TheEclecticSlide says:

    At first I was thinking “Deadliest Catch Crab Boat Captain”.
    To have it turn out to be some crap sales position is actually a let down.
    (I just came across your site today, and must tell you it’s an instant fave.)

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