If Your Child Makes It To 18, It Will Be A Miracle

Nervous BabyTimes are tough everywhere, and many of us are cutting back on the little luxuries. Things like going to the movies, eating out, cable TV, you know, just, whatever….ensuring the health and safety of our offspring, etc, etc, etc.

Oh. Wait.

You are looking for someone to care for your infant more than full-time. Let’s review the terms.

45 hrs/week
4.2 weeks/month

That works out to $1.85/hr. That is surprising! And insane.

The only babysitter you will get for less than $2/hour will be a meth addicted child molester. And even they would probably think it’s too much trouble. It’s bad enough that you are offering some craigslist weirdo $16 for a nine hour day of childcare. But the sheer brass balls of attaching requirements is what truly sets this posting apart.

  • First aid certified would be a “plus”? No. At that salary, someone who will not immediately sell your 2-month old child on the black market would be a “plus”
  • “Experience needed.” Right. Experience in… indentured servitude?
  • “Must have transportation and a cell phone.” Cool. But I assume it’s OK if they are imaginary? Because I’m not sure if you know this, but I only make $1.85/hr. I know, crazy, right!? So let’s just pretend this half-melted Snickers bar is my iPhone. As for transportation, I’ll have my sister roll me to your door each morning in the rusty wheelbarrow we keep in the tool shed. We can pretend it’s a ’92 Camry. 

AvoidThisJob is not entirely unsympathetic to the plight of this poster. Times are tough. The child care options for working parents in America are embarrassing and backwards. But paying a stranger $1.84/hr to watch an infant whose skull hasn’t even fully formed yet? Not the solution. It cannot possibly be. Please, find another way.

Everyone (especially you, child molesters and drug addicts)… avoid this job.

Selling Babies


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6 Responses to If Your Child Makes It To 18, It Will Be A Miracle

  1. Chase Roper says:

    Paul F. Tompkins twitter led me here.
    and I’m delighted he did!
    Funny blog.

  2. AvoidThisJob says:

    Thank you for following the always sage advice of Mr. Tompkins!

  3. If your full-time job can only afford you to pay $350/mo for someone to care for your special little snowflake skull full of mush, your day job probably pays less than Unemployment Insurance. Just get your ass fired, get UI, get welfare, get Obamacare, get Section 9 housing get food stamps, and you’ll be set for life. When your precious little snowflake is old enough to go to government school, then you can go back to your job at McDonalds as Second Assistant Fry Cook.
    Lesson learned: If you can’t afford to raise children, don’t freakin’ have children!
    Reminds me of an old Bob Newhart bit. He used to work at the Unemployment Office in Chicago and was paid $15/week. UI recipients were being paid $10/week. UI recipients only had to come in once a week to pick up their check whereas he had to come in 40 hours a week. He got himself fired, collected UI, and pursued his dream of being a stand-up comic.
    Lesson learned: Getting fired and going on welfare and being a burden on society can be the best thing in the world for you.

  4. CS says:

    Uh… replying a little late here, *but* if you get fired you can’t collect UI. You have to be laid off. Important difference.

  5. greg says:

    yes i know… and you cant quit either fffffffuuuu@# but thats my problem, not what my point was gonna be… like come on WTF your kid is 2 months old YOU FREAKING HAVE TO BE THERE TO WATCH THE KID YOURSELF hands down… how bout maternity leave does that not exist where you live.. whatever I wouldn’t touch this job with a 49 and a half foot pole

  6. Rob says:

    Me too. I’ve been mining jobs to avoid since

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