Bed, Bath and Beyond

This post was singlehandedly responsible for the creation of a new AvoidThisJob category, entitled simply: “Ew.

 

  • Why “today?” What is the rush? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE THE RUSH ON THIS?
  • You need a “professional” what? Deep bed cleanser? Did you have a fever dream and confuse it with real life? Because that profession does not exist.*
  • Perhaps the most important thing to note here is the repeated use of the word “cleanse” instead of “clean.” While it is perhaps technically appropriate, “cleansed” suggests a certain evil and/or fleshy quality one does not (normally) associate with mattresses. 

 

Things That Are Typically “Cleansed”

Colons
 Pores
 Souls/Auras/Spirits/Chakras
Palates
Livers
Ethnic Minorities

Things That Are Typically “Cleaned”

Mattresses
 Everything Else

  • Statistical probability that the above-referenced “stains, ect” include blood spatter, semen, vomit, bile or some combination? 100%. Seriously. It doesn’t take a supercomputer to work out the numbers: Ziggy, Deep Thought & Hal 9000 all agree on a statistical probability of 100%. You want to try to tell yourself this guy has two mattresses that require a “thorough deep cleansing” due to a glitter glue mishap at his monthly scrapbooking party? Go right ahead. But you know the truth. Deep down in your uncleansed soul, you know it.

Run, do not walk, and avoid this job.

Glitter Glue

 * Wait, DOES that profession exist? If so where, why, and how much is a “deep bed cleanser” paid? Whatever it is, it can’t be nearly enough.

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11 Responses to Bed, Bath and Beyond

  1. Danielle says:

    I wonder if the “cleanse” is so imminent because the person’s mom is coming for a weekend stay at the new apartment. Just a thought…

  2. AvoidThisJob says:

    It is possible. Danielle, do you have inside information vis a vis this ad?!
    Although why would Mom need BOTH mattresses cleaned? Does she do a spot check underneath sheets? Even on beds she isn’t sleeping on? Excessive! Mom needs to tone it down.

  3. Kevin says:

    This might be the best post yet. Hilarious!!

  4. robinard says:

    This is actually a common request. My brother works for a company that cleans up water damage in homes, clean upholstery, carpets, etc. They also clean mattresses, which can be a biohazard. Case in point: he was asked to clean a mattress that had blood on it. I don’t recall that anyone died on it, but there was blood, lot’s of it too, all through the mattress. He tried cleaning it for awhile and realized that it was a lost cause. People also have urine soaked mattresses from pets or people that they want cleaned. I would have to have the most expensive Swedish mattresses to even consider getting blood cleaned out instead of replacing it. People never cease to amaze…

  5. Danielle says:

    ^Maybe the police should scour the classified sections and respond to all the mattress cleanser jobs next time they encounter a hard-to-solve murder.

  6. Swistle says:

    “Things That Are Typical Cleansed: Ethnic minorities” was where I lost it. OMG hilarious.

  7. sunshine says:

    I approve of the Hitchhiker’s Guide reference lol 🙂

  8. NoAdditives says:

    I love glitter glue.

  9. Kevin says:

    I assumed the reason it had to be that day was that it was the last day of the month and the poster was planning to move out without getting hit for a cleaning fee. But of course, I like unreasonable explanations.

  10. AvoidThisJob says:

    Move out and leave their mattresses behind? I suppose it could technically be a fully-furnished apartment or a sublet…? But there’s something about the possessive “my” mattresses that suggests they are not on loan…

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