Data Entry Ninja

Oh, hooray.

More ninjas.

Data Entry Ninja

 

  • First off, the description of this position looks like a bizarre Word Jumble gone wrong. Did the CEO of your company get drunk while playing Boggle and decide The Universe was telling him to invent a job?  Because you have indicated you are looking for someone who regards themselves as a “Data Entry Excel Ninja.” That is not something that exists, and thusly not something that any sane person “regards him/herself as.”
  • You want someone with “fingers that type as if on fire.” So someone that types… really poorly? Leaving soot marks and bits of blackened skin on each key? While their owner screams wildly, “for the love of God, somebody help me! My F$%*ING FINGERS ARE ON FIRE!!!!?” Cool.
  • You indicated that the ideal applicant should have no fear of asking dumb questions. Alright. How about smart ones? Like, say: what in the hell does “ability to work with people who might not be able to return the favor some day” mean? What favor? What people? Every possible interpretation of that sentence is deeply troubling. The more you think on it, the more perplexing it becomes, like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube. Designed by M.C. Escher. While high from sniffing a heady mix of glue, shoe polish and expired “Exclamation!” perfume from 1990.

  • Finally, employers of the world, listen up: You do not want a ninja in your office. It remains a mystery why so many of you THINK you do, but trust: you do not.  As previously discussed on this site (and in the dictionary) ninjas are silent, lethal warriors. There is no world in which ‘silent, lethal warriors’ and ‘data entry workers’ overlap or interact, except in an (admittedly kind of awesome) imaginary world. A cinematic land where data entry ‘ninjas’ are, for some unknown but fascinating reason, silently assassinated by actual ninjas; their fingers still on their keyboards, their coffee turning cold in their company mugs, their bodies undiscovered until Josh from accounting tries to rouse them for happy hour that night. Does that sound like a scenario that will boost morale around the office? No. It will not. And so you see: ninjas are a bad idea.

Are you a ninja who’s had enough of all that interminable martial arts training? Are you eager to finally stop wearing black all the time and learn how to make a decent spreadsheet? Awesome! Apply for this position, ASAP!

Everyone else: avoid this job.

Data Entry Ninja

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11 Responses to Data Entry Ninja

  1. Emily says:

    I don’t think it’s fair that I HATE the expression “A pair of kicks” as much as I do. Hey, that’s just four words, on a page, doing…what they do. Well, that may be,but when I see them, I want to give my COMPUTER a “pair of kicks”: to the cyberballz.
    beep-bop-OW-VOMIT-frowny mac face.

  2. AvoidThisJob says:

    Agreed. It’s right up there with the casually thrown in “smoke signals” in the data sources. The strain of trying to seem “cool n’ casual!” is almost audible…

  3. Nax says:

    Well, it isn’t THAT wrong. After all, it could be useful for a ninja to be able to set his fingers on fire at exactly the right time.

  4. Tami says:

    Also, what’s a “perspective” candidate? Any PROSPECTIVE candidate with some perspective would realize that he/she should avoid this job.

  5. Dave-o says:

    “Dot-connecting abilities”. Nice. How about this for a translation:
    While our company has a need for various kinds of interoffice communication to get mangled into spreadsheets, we don’t feel any kind of obligation to hold ourselves accountable to anything resembling standards, and getting this bunch of no-talent, infighting primadonnas to learn one or two tricks with Outlook is like herding cats. Also, we’re pretty much too lazy to hold one or two weekend meetings coming up with a plan for interoffice communication that everyone can agree on, and then hammer out the kinks to everybody’s satisfaction. It’s cheaper to just shit all over some office drone that makes a few bucks over minimum wage. The last guy figured out how badly he was getting assraped, and — surprise! — we’re in the market for another sucker for us to dump on and push around.

  6. YES! says:

    bra -fuckin- vo!

  7. Andy B says:

    Smoke signals… means everybody else that said “fuck this job” also said “They may as well have given be a sack of dirt and told me to transfer it to Excel.”

  8. NoAdditives says:

    Yes.

  9. blahblah says:

    Did the CEO of your company get drunk while playing Boggle and decide The Universe was telling him to invent a job?
    Where the fuck does it mention that the CEO is male? Shitstain!

  10. SR says:

    Jesus, blahblah, first you basically break Biz Markie’s heart, and now you’re picking fights about pronouns?

  11. Tomtom says:

    I actually cried laughing (with real tears) at every paragraph. You are a genius.

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