Hey, male models! Ever get the sense that there’s something more out there? I mean, sure, you’ve got it pretty good. You won the genetic lottery, and you’re living the dream: able to use your God-given, gym-perfected rippling abs, chiseled jaw and muscular calves for the power of good (also known as the selling of cologne, or, “The Fragrancing of America.”)
All you guys have to do is stay away from carbs and books and you’re guaranteed a sweet, worry-free existence surrounded by wafer-thin waifs, and piles of coke and money. But as great as that sounds… do you ever wish you could find a different job? One with zero perks and significantly uglier co-workers? One that pays next-to-nothing and forces you to borderline prostitute yourself? Sure you do! And so, this ad’s for you.
- The incredibly vague subject line, followed by the incredibly specific requirements. Thousands of hopeful job-seekers clicked on this ad (“ooh! FUN jobs? That sounds right up my alley! Zomg, I love fun you guys! I FEEL LIKE I FINALLY FOUND A CAREER!!!! IN FUN!!!”) only to be confronted with a gender specific, age specific, career specific opening line that immediately eliminates 99.99% of the population.
- Chances that you will get attacked by a confused cuckold? High. “No, you don’t understand! SIR, I AM BEING PAID TO HIT ON YOUR WIFE! I am a male model! She is 90 pounds overweight and smells like beer and fritos! You think I would be doing this for fr–” [punch/knife attack/gunshot]
- “Ages 28 to 38.” Er… what? Because age 39 is the dreaded Logan’s Run point for male models? Oh, right, of course. That’s when they become worthless drains on society, their 6-pack dwindled to a 4-pack (of Bartles & Jaymes, no less: oddly squat and lumpy.) At 39, their crow’s feet just make them look kinda tired, not yet ruggedly handsome, and the random grey hairs cropping up aren’t distinguished enough to bring home the “Silver Fox” parts (watches, department stores, & Viagra.) Turning 39 is indeed a dark time for a male model.
- “…looking for male models, (men).” Right. Um… is there actually a fear that someone might not know what “male” means? If that is the concern, I don’t know why “men” would be any better, since such a person must clearly have been lobotomized with an icepick and a vacuum cleaner. Even including an anatomical illustration or a giant ascii penis in the ad isn’t going to help clarify things for someone who is unclear on the meaning of the word “male”, i.e. someone whose brain cavity has been emptied with a melon baller.
Attention male models: keep your day job, and avoid this one.