Thanks to our anonymous submitter for today’s most unfortunate job posting!
WHAT THE F&*%?! No. Absolutely not. GROSS. No. What would I wear??! How big are these “crawl spaces”?! No. Wait, do they bite? IS THERE A CHANCE I WILL GET BITTEN?! Ugh. Ugh. No.
Alrighty! Like… what kind of errands, though? “Pick up my dry-cleaning, then eradicate the killer bee swarm in my backyard. And while you’re back there, if you could just crush any snakes you see, we’d be much obliged. Just kinda give their skull a good stomp, ’til you hear the crunch. Watch the fangs. Oh! And we need toilet paper. Thanks.”
Point being: you obviously have a tendency to bury the lead.
Anyone with extensive crawl-space experience and/or rat-trapping expertise stopped reading your ad after “creating Powerpoint presentation”. And most of the jobless assistants with PowerPoint skills shuddered at the mere idea of army-crawling through rat-infested tunnels for $12/hr. Or, as our anonymous submitter put it, “Please don’t make me put rat traps in crawl spaces. 🙁 ” Sad emoticon, indeed.
I know you were trying to kill two birds with one stone (assistant plus exterminator! Assterminator? Extermitant?) but you have failed. You’ve killed NO birds. And, even more tragically, you have killed no rats. In the time you wasted posting this nightmare-inducing ad, your rat problem tripled. Congrats. Maybe you can create a PowerPoint presentation about it. In the meantime…
Hire an exterminator. Find an assistant. In that order.
Everyone else: avoid this job.