Caution: in-depth and/or repeated readings of this ad might cause you to emerge with a quiet malaise and a sense that the world is tragically off-course, our future in the hands of deeply stupid, insensitive people who are somehow managing to flail their way through a higher education. Or not.
- The idea of an Oompa Loompa “position” being available.
- The bizarre suggestion that there are several out-of-work dwarfs
wandering around with spare Oompa Loompa costumes at the ready, and a burning desire to drive out to your college and pose with drunk partygoers for $75.
- The initial request for “two Oompa Loompas.” Not two people dressed as Oompa Loompas. No. TWO OOMPA LOOMPAS. One suspects these sorority sisters might, in private and amongst friends, use the phrase “Oompa Loompa” interchangeably with “dwarf” or “little person”:
Sorority Sister #1: “LOL u guyz, you know what would be TOTES AWESOME? If we got some of those oompa loompas to run around at one of our parties!”
Sorority Sister #2:”You mean a little person? That seems kind of offensive, it might–”
Sorority Sister #1:”Yeah, those little people! Oompa loompas!”
Sorority Sister #2:”Um, I think you maybe mean a dwarf? Oompa loompas aren’t real.”
Sorority Sister #3: [HEARTBROKEN] They’re not??
Sorority Sister #1: “WHAT-EVS you guys, we’ll paint some of those weird midgets orange! It will be soooooooooo funny LOLOLOL!!!”
Sorority Sister #3: But will they still bring candy??
Sorority Sister #1: YES!!!
Sorority Sister #2: You two might be mentally disabled.
Sorority Sisters #1 and #3: LOL TOTALLY
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee, if you are wise you’ll listen to me: avoid this job.