Once again, we here at AvoidThisJob find ourselves needing to remind employers and the general public that they are not rock stars.
International readers: does this happen in other countries/languages? Whatever the reason, despite our best efforts, the rock star trend continues unabated.
Right. So, we have a fundamental problem with your use of that phrase, but perhaps you could give us more information about what you’re looking for?
Sigh. OK. So… you’ve managed to shoehorn in a “topical” joke using the ancient “you might be a redneck” setup/punchline. Are congratulations in order? No. No, they are not. Word to the wise: cramming in stale pop culture references is not the job of recruiters and companies looking to hire staff; it’s the job of the writers of the Scary Movie/Date Movie/Epic Movie franchise. Let them do their (horrible, shameful) job.
“But wait!” you cry, “why not try to lighten the mood a little??”
Well, first of all, stop crying. Second of all: because comedy in a job listing is difficult to pull off… We get that you’re trying to look like a super-cool company, filled with super-cool dudes doing super-cool jobs, but 99% of the time, you’ll end up looking like an over-botoxed stage mother trying desperately to be the “cool parent” by talking to her kids’ friends about blow jobs and twitter. Don’t be that parent. You are in a position of authority. Use it.
Now what else can you tell us about your ideal candidate?
Alternate theory: you might be a dick. (also: you might want to get a rockstar copy editor to proof your job posts, because you seem to have dropped at least two words out of that sentence.)
Actually, again: dick. One with narcissistic personality disorder and an unnerving inability to form actual human connections.
OK, now the job requirements are actually getting a little terrifying. It would appear you are looking for a borderline sociopath. OK… One who is possessed, and lords their superiority over the highly verbal fonts and colors constantly “beg[ging]” to be a part of their “vision.” Um….NOT OK! NOT OK AT ALL.
Please do everyone a favor and let us know where your offices are located, so the rest of the populace can give your Serial Killer Factory a wide berth on our commute. Thanks. But hey, at least you’re an equal opportunity employer!
Oh. Well, OK. You want applicants to become sexually aroused by their work, but gay men and straight women need not apply. Cool. Not at all offensive or illegal. Wait, even if they hear typeface talking to them and are always inexplicably abandoning loved ones and standing up friends and dates? No? Hmm.
Well, perhaps we were too harsh with that whole “serial killer/sociopath thing”? Maybe you just want some bros to chill with, while you talk incessantly about tertiary colors, Scary Movie 7, and Maxim’s Hot 100? Cause let’s be honest: WHO DOESN’T!? [answer: anyone worth knowing]
But then you pull this out:
Right. Erm… it seems we’ve back-tracked. All this sporadic yelling and talk of murder and leaving no evidence… was this ad supposed to look like you were recruiting violent mental patients? At least you stopped with the pop-culture reference parade, but–
OK, well, the ad’s getting kinda long… it might be a little late for this, but maybe you could try to wrap it up with something that in no way suggests that you are looking for a mentally-ill employee with a tendency towards violent acts?
Avoid this job.