Have I seen the movie Roxanne? A much more important question is: Have YOU seen the movie Roxanne? If so, were you stoned and/or in grade school at the time? Does your skull contain an actual functioning brain, or just a gelatinous mass of brain-shaped goo? I ask because the moral of the Cyrano story is NOT, in fact, “Hey dudes! Look what a great idea this is!” Not at all. Did your head-goo tell you it was? Your head-goo was wrong.
First of all, there’s the fact that [SPOILER ALERT!] in Roxanne the Steve Martin/Cyrano character ends up with the girl. Yay! For everyone but you! Because in this scenario, you, sir, are no Steve Martin. You are not Cyrano. You’re the guy who is so boring/incompetent he has to woo by proxy, the douchebag that everyone’s rooting against. So… strike one.
But hey, at least in Roxanne everyone survives. This cannot be said for the play upon which is based, wherein [SPOILER ALERT!] pretty much all the menfolk die by gunshot or giant beams of wood falling on their head, and Roxanne ends up alone in a convent. Soooo… yeah. Strike two.
Most importantly, if you are incapable of/unwilling to create “romantic, funny & witty” messages, your problems are not going to end when the date itself begins, you nutjob. Do you think, upon meeting you, these ladies will fall at your feet in stunned and rapturous desire, despite your inability to string a sentence together? SPOILER ALERT! – They won’t. Strike three.
Variations on this particular cautionary tale have been told over and over again, through the deft quill of Shakespeare (Twelfth Night) and the wooden face and grating monotone of Uma Thurman (The Truth About Cats & Dogs). It occasionally works out OK for the Cyrano character, rarely for the other guy, and it is NEVER presented as a great way to go about things. How have you so profoundly missed the point? Serious question: are you using reruns of Three’s Company as a life-guide? That is not a good idea. And neither is this job offer.
Beginning a relationship on a foundation of complicated lies is only adorable in romantic comedies. In real life it is a DEEPLY creepy dealbreaker. Unless you are interested in helping perpetrate profound, wholesale acts of fraud on a series of unsuspecting women…. avoid this job.