Catch Me A Catch


Matchmaker JobHave I seen the movie Roxanne? A much more important question is: Have YOU seen the movie Roxanne? If so, were you stoned and/or in grade school at the time? Does your skull contain an actual functioning brain, or just a gelatinous mass of brain-shaped goo? I ask because the moral of the Cyrano story is NOT, in fact, “Hey dudes! Look what a great idea this is!” Not at all. Did your head-goo tell you it was? Your head-goo was wrong.

First of all, there’s the fact that [SPOILER ALERT!] in Roxanne the Steve Martin/Cyrano character ends up with the girl. Yay! For everyone but you! Because in this scenario, you, sir, are no Steve Martin. You are not Cyrano. You’re the guy who is so boring/incompetent he has to woo by proxy, the douchebag that everyone’s rooting against. So… strike one.

But hey, at least in Roxanne everyone survives. This cannot be said for the play upon which is based, wherein [SPOILER ALERT!] pretty much all the menfolk die by gunshot or giant beams of wood falling on their head, and Roxanne ends up alone in a convent. Soooo… yeah. Strike two.

Most importantly, if you are incapable of/unwilling to create “romantic, funny & witty” messages, your problems are not going to end when the date itself begins, you nutjob. Do you think, upon meeting you, these ladies will fall at your feet in stunned and rapturous desire, despite your inability to string a sentence together? SPOILER ALERT! – They won’t. Strike three.

Variations on this particular cautionary tale have been told over and over again, through the deft quill of Shakespeare (Twelfth Night) and the wooden face and grating monotone of Uma Thurman (The Truth About Cats & Dogs). It occasionally works out OK for the Cyrano character, rarely for the other guy, and it is NEVER presented as a great way to go about things. How have you so profoundly missed the point? Serious question: are you using reruns of Three’s Company¬†as a life-guide? That is not a good idea. And neither is this job offer.

Beginning a relationship on a foundation of complicated lies is only adorable in romantic comedies. In real life it is a DEEPLY creepy dealbreaker. Unless you are interested in helping perpetrate profound, wholesale acts of fraud on a series of unsuspecting women…. avoid this job.

Roxanne Job


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7 Responses to Catch Me A Catch

  1. giddy girlie says:

    and what qualifies the $30 bonus if a date “goes well”? If she doesn’t press charges? If he gets to first base? A conversation I never want to have with my boss.

  2. Kat says:

    Let’s not forget he want’s to “market this service” to other people. He can’t do the work himself, all he can do is bring the client and the service provider together… kind of like a pimp. He wants to be a Craigslist pimp. Hey, those who can’t do, teach – or pimp.

  3. AvoidThisJob says:

    I know, and I really love that despite the fact that he cites several incarnations of this idea, he simultaneously seems to think he invented it, and will be able to profit off his brilliant, original scheme. Delightful!

  4. prodater says:

    I love this site, but this is a bad call. This is a great job. As a recent (succesful) user of dating sites, you do have to sow quite a few seeds before you reap your potato. And in initial emails you do recycle your best joke, wittiest tale, most charming chat up line, etc. Then you put in a couple of lines to tailor the message to the recipient – it’s SOP. Why not employ someone to get throught the initial approaches if you can afford it? Provided you brief them there is no reason most of your own personality can’t get through.
    I take the point on the commission – if I was applying I’d weight this much more towards getting the date first date, but that’s negotiation.
    Where do I apply?

  5. AvoidThisJob says:

    I have to admit, when I saw the ad I thought about APPLYING for the job, not just writing it up here… and I am also a (successful) user of dating sites… but the bottom line is that if I were on the receiving end of e-flirtation from someone OTHER than the person whose photos I was looking at, I would be peeved. And skeeved.
    I can see hiring someone to do the initial scouting (find the right girls/guys, email them your employer’s stock intro), but once you get into “correspond[ing] back-and-forth”, it’s just not OK, in my most humblest of opinions.

  6. NoAdditives says:

    “Are you using reruns of Three’s Company as a life-guide?”
    Definitely the funniest things I’ve read/heard all day. And it makes me think of Peter Griffin.

  7. Kschenke says:

    This just reminds me of people looking for their Juliet or Romeo… you’re looking for the person that will make you overreact and elope and then murder their cousin and then kill yourself unnecessarily OR the person that will make you overreact and elope and get mad that he murdered your cousin and then pretend to kill yourself and then actually kill yourself.

    Lesson: some literary figures should not be emulated.

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