Father Christmas

Let’s see… just perusing the job listings… man, it’s rough out there, not a lot to apply for…I wonder if–

 

OH HI

NO NOT AT ALL WHY DO YOU ASK

MY DAD LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE LARRY DAVID

ALSO WHY ARE WE YELLING AND REFUSING TO USE PUNCTUATION

CAN WE MOVE ON AND SEE WHAT ELSE YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS JOB

Mall Santa Job

 

Did you once have a dramatic fight with a question mark or something? Are you no longer on speaking terms? It’s clear that you and grammar had a falling out, but why take it out on the noble question mark? Its absence here is keenly felt; thanks to the all-caps, the subject line sounds like the first half of a veiled threat, or an urgent, startled realization. And the first sentence of the ad itself just sounds like bleak, deadpan sarcasm.

More importantly, you know “Father Christmas” is just an honorary title, right? He doesn’t actually have offspring. So why are you trying to get to my dad through me? He has a computer, a telephone, and ears and vocal cords of his own. Meanwhile I’m sifting through craigslist ads, looking for a job for MYSELF and all you want to do is talk about my Dad and whether or not his beard is “nice.” It’s insulting. And, frankly, kinda creepy.

Unemployed fathers with facial hair: if you’re really interested, I guess maybe see if your children can hook you up with this job? Enjoy the competitive pay and the inevitable swine flu you’ll contract! Stash some Purell in that nice, white beard of yours.

Everyone else: look into this Santa’s eyes.

Sad Santa Claus

 

Avoid this job.

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3 Responses to Father Christmas

  1. gino says:

    KIDS FINDING THIS IN YOUR ADORABLE EFFORTS TO GOOGLE SEARCH THE WORD “SANTA”: Santa is totally real and totally awesome. The above information is an investigative report on those unfortunate adults who’ve so outgrown their special ability to believe that they need to hire fake Santas for their Christmases. So sad. But thanks to the good folks at AvoidThisJob.com, these adults’ misguided plans can be avoided. But don’t take my word for it, maybe some other AvoidThisJob.com readers can back me up?

  2. Danielle says:

    I like how they indicated Santa will be subjected to random drug testing and background checking. Is his joviality suspicious to you?!

  3. i think this is smart actually. anyone who looks like santa would OBVIOUSLY be computer illiterate, and therefore need to be sneakily unearthed through their unfortunate, jobless offspring.

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