Modern Times

Modern TimesThere’s a lot to love about this modern age: refrigerators, antibiotics, indoor plumbing, the joys of basic cable, Quarter Pounders with Cheese… I mean, sure, we’re all undoubtedly hurtling towards some sort of massive, man-made apocalypse, careening into the black maw of human extinction… but we’ve sure made our ride nice n’ comfy!

And one of the comfiest aspects of our society? Even average joes can pay someone to do just about anything they don’t want to do themselves. We pay people to mow our lawns, watch our kids, deliver bags of pre-cooked food directly to our doorstep… There’s basically no job too personal/big/small/gross to be outsourced. Or is there…?

1) Is it possible you could have written this ad without using the phrase “pubic hair” in almost every sentence (and TWICE in the subject line?) We got it. We can’t un-get it. It is pressed into our brain, like a male sex symbol is apparently pressed into the silken locks around your genital area.

2) “Should have experience cutting cool designs into hair…” Hmm. What if I only have experience cutting UNcool designs into hair? Such as the Microsoft logo, or a 20-sided die?

3) The knowledge that anyone on the planet has EVER “permed [or] pressed” their pubic hair is deeply upsetting. ┬áLet alone that anyone has done it enough to actually amass “experience”. And the mental images it creates? Horrifying. Visions of people with weirdly straight, long, Merlin-style beards flowing from their crotches. Or, alternately, people who look like they stapled a Weird Al wig to their nethers. Either way: NO THANK YOU.

Avoid this job.

(thanks to ATJ reader going by the nom de plume, “Pubella” for the submission)

Disgusting Wizard Beard

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11 Responses to Modern Times

  1. bryna says:

    I’m disturbed on SO many levels right now…

  2. Emily says:

    merlin beard GENIUS

  3. Emily says:

    ’cause like why would it cause it to GROW? I don’t know. But it would, I know you’re right.

  4. shocked says:

    How would you get this experience? You cant really practice on your friends.
    Also, is this the same place you go for bottom hair bleaching?

  5. Sheena says:

    I don’t want to know these things…I REALLY don’t want to know these things…

  6. AvoidThisJob says:

    IT NEVER STOPS GROWING! Apparently, according to The Internet, it just tends to fall out before it gets crazy long. But it never technically stops growing. Never stops. Never forget.

  7. Danielle says:

    I am curious to know where a pubic hair cutting shop would be able to prosper economically. How could they make enough money to pay what I assume would be the biggest salary known to woman for such a disturbing job? It is just not possible that there are that many people with this fetish in a concentrated area.

  8. greg says:

    experience is a must!?!?! rofl WHAT!! I think that if they are serious about getting someone to fill this position, they shouldn’t be too picky, my advice would be too just hire the first person to apply because no matter what, your not gonna get a shining star, just perverts…
    experience a must…. ya, good luck with that!

  9. Nellie says:

    Perming pubic hair? Uhm, isn’t it already curly?

  10. mystic_eye says:

    People pay people (Aestheticians/estheticians) to wax their pubic area, I have to presume that those who wax may have any other remaining hair “neatened up” aka trimmed.
    Not all Caucasians have curly pubic hair, not sure about other cultures. Not sure why you’d want to perm it but I’ve heard of “perming” your eyelashes so I guess its possible/safe.
    I don’t know many people with enough hair to carve symbols into though… weird.
    Anyway there’s a real job title for this, and it more often than not requires certification and usually the store itself needs health board certification.
    I’m really, really afraid that this person doesn’t want to go the “normal”/legal route.

  11. Mirabithia says:

    Incidentally, to “press” hair means to straighten with heat, either with a flat iron or straightening comb.
    Who lets their pubic hair grow long enough to flat iron?

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