At first glance, it would appear we can break this ad down, as per usual, focusing on each little piece of crazy as it comes, like so:
Red Flag #1: SO specific. SO weird. SO racist. Who knew a list of requirements could raise so many uncomfortable questions? Like:
- Why would you want your bodyguard (i.e. human shield) to be articulate or sweet? Personally, I would want my bodyguard to be silent, and capable of deep cruelty. I MIGHT (might) be OK with a whimsical twinkle in his eye when I made a particularly witty comment, or an occasional pun or bon mot after he dispatched a would-be assassin… but that’s about it.
- What in God’s name do you mean by “dark” black? Should I not bother applying if I am medium-black? What about if I am a chocolatey brown? Cafe Au Lait? What about a rich mahogany?? Maybe a color wheel would help.
Great, let’s get started making fun of the rest of the ad!
Red Flag(s) #2 – ∞ : EVERYTHING ELSE.
This ad is so thoroughly steeped in crazy, so wantonly bizarre, it very nearly puts the rest of the jobs in our WTF category to shame. Be advised: any attempt to parse this degree of madness could potentially result in The Crazy becoming deadly, contagious, and possibly even airborne, SARS-style. We must never forget that one lone nut can drag thousands down with them, like L. Ron Hubbard, or whoever convinced America that Thousand Island dressing is in any way “good” or “edible.”
There is simply no way to enumerate the various reasons you should avoid this job. It would send us all down a rabbit hole of psychosis that we would never emerge from. Simply read, re-read, read it yet again, and be thankful you are not this person, nor in this person’s employ. But in case you need to hear it in no uncertain terms: avoid this job.
(Oh, and thank you to AvoidThisJob reader Vera for the submission. A job posting so strange, it rendered me almost speechless. A rarity. Kudos, Vera!)