I Will Always Love You-ou-ou-ou-ooooo! Oou.

At first glance, it would appear we can break this ad down, as per usual, focusing on each little piece of crazy as it comes, like so:

Red Flag #1: SO specific. SO weird. SO racist. Who knew a list of requirements could raise so many uncomfortable questions? Like:

  • Why would you want your bodyguard (i.e. human shield) to be articulate or sweet? Personally, I would want my bodyguard to be silent, and capable of deep cruelty. I MIGHT (might) be OK with a whimsical twinkle in his eye when I made a particularly witty comment, or an occasional pun or bon mot after he dispatched a would-be assassin… but that’s about it.
  • What in God’s name do you mean by “dark” black? Should I not bother applying if I am medium-black? What about if I am a chocolatey brown? Cafe Au Lait? What about a rich mahogany?? Maybe a color wheel would help.

Great, let’s get started making fun of the rest of the ad!

 

Oh.

Red Flag(s) #2 – ∞ : EVERYTHING ELSE.

 

 

This ad is so thoroughly steeped in crazy, so wantonly bizarre, it very nearly puts the rest of the jobs in our WTF category to shame. Be advised: any attempt to parse this degree of madness could potentially result in The Crazy becoming deadly, contagious, and possibly even airborne, SARS-style. We must never forget that one lone nut can drag thousands down with them, like L. Ron Hubbard, or whoever convinced America that Thousand Island dressing is in any way “good” or “edible.”

There is simply no way to enumerate the various reasons you should avoid this job. It would send us all down a rabbit hole of psychosis that we would never emerge from. Simply read, re-read, read it yet again, and be thankful you are not this person, nor in this person’s employ. But in case you need to hear it in no uncertain terms: avoid this job.

The Bodyguard

(Oh, and thank you to AvoidThisJob reader Vera for the submission. A job posting so strange, it rendered me almost speechless. A rarity. Kudos, Vera!)

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7 Responses to I Will Always Love You-ou-ou-ou-ooooo! Oou.

  1. Jay Shaw says:

    so this person is either.. drunk… high… or mentally disabled. if you feel the need to apply to this job.. don’t forget you must be able to kick the butt of a spy.. or even tougher .. A MIDWIFE!

  2. Justin S. says:

    Sounds like a mix of paranoid delusions and some weird fantasy to relive “the bodyguard”.

  3. Rollie says:

    I like how you also need to be able to administer a VERBAL butt-kicking. Like when that doctor, midwife, airline employee, spy, or crooked lawyer starts bothering Female, you are to cut them down with your rapier wit and give them a tongue lashing.

  4. Aku says:

    Sounds like one of Sarah Palin’s speeches.

  5. Danielle says:

    This is so ridiculous that I have no words. No words…WOW. Okay one word. I’ll say it again, “wow”.

  6. Kasey says:

    I almost feel sorry for her…
    but then I just laughed.

  7. TwiceChai says:

    I work as a therapist with severely mentally ill patients. I think one of ours got loose and posted this to craigslist.

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