One of the classic hallmarks of a Job To Avoid is the “Question As Subject Line” schtick. As we’ve seen in previous entries, from the odd to the off-putting, the answer is almost always a resounding “No.” Sprinkled in, you might reply with an occasional “WTF?” or “That’s PRIVATE” or, as in the case of today’s job post, “I surely hope not.”
I SURELY HOPE NOT.
The best possible outcome of sleep multi-tasking is that it creates fuel for your spouse to create an incredibly amusing blog at your expense. The worst possible outcome is… well, let’s just say it’s messy, violent and there’s absolutely nothing amusing about it. More to the point: doing anything BUT sleeping (whilst sleeping) is not the mark of a good worker; it’s the mark of someone with a profound sleep disorder. So… we’re off to a bad start here, job poster. Let’s see if it gets better!
1) This is my FIRST test? How many tests will there be to get this nondescript $10/hr job? Is there a essay section? Can I bring notes? A graphing calculator? Will I be graded on a curve? Is there be a physical fitness section? As you know, I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN WEEKS DUE TO MY PROFOUND SLEEP DISORDER so all this test-talk is really stressing me out!! Please excuse me for a moment, I need to rest my eyes.
3) Better! OK, so: presumably by “very microsoft proficient” you mean “capable of using spell check” since that is obviously a skill you are lacking. In that case… it’s good that you have come to me. Look, I’ll be honest: using spell check is EXTREMELY complex, OK? It requires the use of BOTH eyeballs, and you have to click on something. Like… more than once. Yeah. I understand it because I am very Microsoft proficient, but you pretty much have no shot at ever figuring it out. Sorry.
4) “Bi lingual would be a plus in any language.” ANY language? Come on. Really? So if I speak, say… Gaelic. Then I’m a better fit for this job? Surprising, yet awesome. Fainne oir ort! Eireann go Brach! Now I will go brush up on my Pig Latin so Iway ancay ebay ilingualtray!
5) Typing 35wpm is like running a forty-minute mile. You’ll get there eventually, but it ain’t nothing to brag about.
Bottom line: prefer your sleep to be a work-free environment? Avoid this job.