Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture

Poloroid PictureWith the national unemployment rate hovering around 10%, these days employers don’t need to seek out applicants; they can just sit back and wait for the job-seekers to come to them. Spend time writing up a cogent, comprehensible job post? Eh, who needs it. Just have that feral cat who lives in the dumpster walk all over a keyboard. Those things look like words, right? Sure. Somebody clean the paw marks off the keyboard, then add in a couple lines stressing that the job itself offers zero benefits and minimal pay. Push a button and throw it into the black maw of the craigslist job boards…. and voila! An avalanche of resumes, perfumed with the sweet scent of desperation and a ripe hint of unused master’s degrees rotting in the background.

Point being…? We get it, employers: you are the belle of the recession ball! You’ve made yourselves a glorious frock from the tattered dream-curtains of unemployed Americans! Your dance card is full! And yeah, you don’t NEED to try. Your job listings don’t NEED to be helpful, or succinct, or informative….AND YET… Please. Just proofread. Spell check. Pretend for one moment you care about this even 1/100th as much the job-seekers do. Is that too much to ask?

…Oh. OK.

Music Video Job

 

Just… come ON. Come on. There are only three words in the title of your job post. And yet you have managed somehow to make a TYPEWRITTEN SENTENCE illegible. It’s almost impressive. Almost.

To be fair, the bar IS set lower for craigslist ads. And far lower for what is essentially a casting call for body parts (“Wanted: Shapely Buttocks” would probably have sufficed here.) But still. A modicum of care, the teensiest indication that someone wrote this while sober… or even awake! I mean, you’re still professionals, right?

Professionals Ad

 

Exactly! We all need to be doing professional, you guys. Seriously. Now, suppose I consider myself a professional Videos Gilrs (P.S: I do): what type of videos is I doing professionalling at?

You Tube Job

Nothing should strike more fear into the heart of a job-seeker, actor, dancer or human being than the phrases “funny video” and “Tyra” in quick succession*, so we’re off to a bad start. But perhaps there is more to this job ad than first appears? What are the requirements?

Curvy Girls Job Post

There is so much complex hilarity here, it might take two posts to note it all. So let’s just cover the basics:

1) The incessant repetition. Each sentence begins and ends with THE SAME INFORMATION. Palindromes of creepiness.

2) “Big Breast”. ONE. Only one. Like a voluptuous chicken.

2) “like a black girl but you’re not of course”. No. Of course not.

3) The greatest apostrophe of all time, found unexpectedly in the middle of the phrase “PLEASE O’ PLEASE”. A thing of beauty really is a joy forever. That gorgeous apostrophe suddenly made this distasteful mess take on a lovely Irish flavor, a technique that worked well for, among others, O’Boises potato chips (…they’re O’boisterous!).

4) Perhaps the best part of this ad is how carefully the job poster covers all bases: not only reiterating each thought within its own sentence (“curvy…[definition of curvy]… meaning you need to be very curvy”) but how he/she requests big breasts, big booty, flat stomach, not fat… and YET…. still closes with “great bodies”. Like some big breasted, big bootied, flat stomached white woman was going to prance in with Mickey Mouse hands, Popeye arms and centaur legs and be like “What? OHHHHH… great bodies only. Got it. My apologies.” and then leave shamed, her hooves clicking loudly on the dance floor as she exits.

OK, but seriously, let’s do professional about this, gilrs… maybe this ad isn’t as weird or vaguely racist as it seems? Maybe they’re just– oh, what’s that?

White Girl Jobs

 

Ah. Thank you for clarifying. I will do my best to “be” white with curves. Man, this is a tough job! But I guess performers do have a tough time of it. But hey, at least the pay is good. You’ve gotta–

Compensation is None

 

Oh.

Avoid this job.

(click here for the entire ad in all its glory)

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* Doubt us on the Tyra front? Please click here and get ready to have your brain implode.

 

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10 Responses to Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture

  1. Amber G. says:

    While this is all hilarious, the “like a black girl but you’re not of course” line was, hands down, the funniest! And isn’t it a coincidence? I’M partnered with YouTube also! So are 1,469,287,453 other people.

  2. Justin S. says:

    Haha… yeah Amber I was thinking the same thing. “Partnered” – sounds like someone doesn’t understand the whole concept of creating an account on a free website.

  3. kevin says:

    Hilarious as always… Great job breaking this mess down.

  4. Aaron says:

    “We’ve partnered with Youtube, which will now be known as the law firm of Youtube, Forrest & Klan.”

  5. Violet says:

    Oh my, I have nothing to add except that literally every time I read this site I laugh till I cry. My screen looks all blurry. Please don’t stop.

  6. V says:

    Oh wow, “a glorious frock from the tattered dream-curtains of unemployed Americans!”
    Thank you, just, thank you.

  7. TeeHeeHee says:

    “what type of videos is I doing professionalling at?”
    this line, henceforth & forever more, is what will sustain me every time my right eye twitches at the thought of the college debt I’m buried under…makes it seem more like a soft blanket with which to cuddle. yeah man, thanks!

  8. PD says:

    This has got to be the funniest thing I have read online – EVER. LMAO…so well written.

  9. Karate Los Angeles says:

    Sometimes, I wonder why Craigslist doesn’t get sued more often. This is the epitome of racism, and ridiculous. They should have just said, “If you don’t look like Pamela Anderson, please do not apply.” At least that way they wouldn’t have had to repeat themselves so often and it would sound a lot more polite. Oh Los Angeles, why can’t you ever learn?

  10. “voluptuous chicken”
    Holy Christ, I cannot stop laughing.

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